Trouble on the home front

Memento mori. A corollary to every thought, perched on my shoulder, or perhaps my arm. I feel it more acutely with each passing day. This spring was supposed to be a reawakening. I was supposed to appreciate, to go outside and enjoy the day(s), to see springtime budding. I have failed by any reasonable standard of success - even the meager one that I lay out for myself. I see the days pass from my window. The sun is already past the halfway mark of its journey east to west by the time I'm awake. I do not spend time, I waste it. I can't rouse myself to action. The most I can venture is a short walk down the driveway, perhaps even a languorous read on the porch. I lack motivation. I tell myself tomorrow and then tomorrow comes and I delay once more. I am a failure and I disguise it by means of minute action. An application here, a single walk there. In reality, I would sooner spend the day in bed, staring at my ceiling. It would be easier to collapse on the couch than to type this up. This is probably the best - and only - way to sustain any semblance of momentum.

I have nothing to say. I don't think I ever did. Any pretense to intelligence is lost as soon as I encounter someone more intelligent. Any claim to wisdom that can be imparted on those less-so falls upon deaf ears. Quite frankly, it would be best to throw it all to the wind. Let those with followers to chase and sinecures to procure do the hard task of pontification. Lord knows, it's worked out very well for them. I believe the worst part to be that they genuinely do have a talent and know how to exploit it, the same way a bodybuilder or pretty woman knows how to utilize their assets. If I was them, if I had followed their path, if I had that same drive, perhaps I'd be where they are and perhaps I would look at it differently. But I think there is much benefit to being on the outside looking in. But even more benefit to both. Someone on the outside and the inside has a more complete picture. Someone who has rolled around in the thickets can dismiss that path with some authority after he has found his way out. It is a matter of knowledge against envy. For now, I am lost in envy.

I am destabilized and have been for a long while. I have a fear of flying, but not of falling. Sooner or later I will have to put the breaks on, or nature will do it for me.